


Honest Trailer (Alexander 2004 - Revisted)

by zeroambi



Category: Alexander (2004)
Genre: Embedded Images, Honest Trailers, Humor, Hyperbole, Meta, Multi, Parody, Review, Sarcasm, Screenshots, outline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-08 14:39:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13460361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeroambi/pseuds/zeroambi
Summary: There is no Honest Trailer for Alexander (2004) for which I'm glad, so I could make my own. And before anyone bites my head off, I actually like the movie just fine. It's not a very good movie (I gave it 6/10, which is also the median at IMDb) but much better than what was made of it at release. Anyway! New fandom, Hooray!I can't vid for shit, so you will have to live with the screenshot outline. For maxium effect you need to read this in theHonest Trailersguy's voice of curse.





	Honest Trailer (Alexander 2004 - Revisted)

**The following is rated MATURE for inability to not use the F word (and blink and you miss them BOOOOBS).**

Follow me into Oliver Stone's three to four hour long historical epos about the most famous Macedon king ever, that somehow manages to still be at least three to four hours to short ...

in which Alexander the Great has one bad hair day after the other ...

while is boyfriend Hephaistion looks unfairly good even with unwashed hair, a silly tiara, and a dead bobcat on his shoulder.

Get immersed in this vision of ancient Greek culture that gives us geat amounts of shouting ...

riding ...

drinking ...

butchering ...

and guyliner.

Lots and lots of guyliner.

Probably blew half the makeup budget on guyliner and that's why we get the cheap pink fake blood, ya think?

 

Watch as Alexander grows up to be king and tries to work through his daddy issues ...

and mommy issues ...

Wow. Never mind the incest vibes, that honestly were the weirdest dick messuring contests I ever saw.

 

Witness the brilliant-military-strategist-choleric-doesn't-know-when-to-quit icon win gigantic battles ...

as he flees from his dead father and overbearing mother and subjugates everything in his path in a bid to unite all of mankind ...

while getting progressively more unhinged ...

either because of the rather confusing intercuts of the narrator and flashbacks or because all those dumb xenophobic fuckers around him ...

Wait, that sounds familiar. What was the year again? Around 330 BC you say? *looking at wallpaper calender*

*groan*

 

But there is more. The movie also goes for the soft side of the conqueror by showing excessive hugging (seriously?) and declarations of undying love between him and general Hephaistion. **Yes** **homo**.

Alexanders generosity and diplomatic sensitivity with the conquered...

him being good with animals **...**

and getting himself a culturally more acceptable slave boyfriend on top of the culturally rather awkward coequal one.

The latter still gives him the stink eye for this, which in context of their respective social standing is a bit ridiculous. I mean, what's next? Getting jealous of Alexander's persian pussy?

Haha. That's not even funny. No, that's not a persian cat, that's Roxana. Alexander's puzzeling choice for a political marriage match, which he uncharacteristically gets all rape-y on in their wedding night right after Hephaistion put a ring on him. DateApp Status: It's complicated ...

and also all going downhill from there.

 

First the great king gets a good part of his army trampled down by elephants ...

puts a fork in one of his most important generals because of a "Your Mom" joke ...

then kills another three quaters of his men by marching them back home through a desert ...

though hey, nothing what a little bit of polygamy and maxing out your credit cards couldn't fix.

But when Hephaistion then suddenly dies ...

(Wait he dies first? Who could have seen that coming?)

of a really bad case of KFC autumn festival special offer - or Typhus - same difference ...

Alexander becomes what he has always feared most ...

His father.

Also equally dead.

Oh, well, it happens to all of us.

But man, it's a real Greek tragedy that he drank himself to death at the first ever Comic Con in history.

Or rather the second one. There was that naked Illiad cosplaying at Troy with Hephaistion before, that was not included in this movie for _some reason_.

Thanks for nothing Mr. Stone.

Better go to credits now.

**Starring:**

Colin Fa ... Who?

Jared-doesn't-look-anything-like-Hepahist ...

hot...

damn...

*heavy breathing*

... Leto. But who cares, really?

Val Kilmer go home, you're drunk.

Bitch please!

The Hound with less scars.

Thanks Stannis.

Claire Temple with an Iron Slap

and those two cool old Hollywood dudes ... that for some reason are still not dead Wikipedia tells me.*

They all come together in Oliver Stone's ...

**Alexander – Being Great Ain't Easy**

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> *Yes, I really thought for some reason that both Christopher Plummer and Anthony Hopkins had already died. Imagine my beet red face when I looked them up.


End file.
